Truth is I’m not exactly sure why I am still here, for all intensive purposes I did believe and feel that 2017 was going to be it for me. While I was daydreaming of a blog come back, I was fighting my hardest just to live. August 15th 2017 my world was rocked in a way that has forever changed me. My brother Yves who had gone through a series of hardships and suffered from mental health took his life, he was 32 years old. He didn’t make the news, he had no children to leave behind, no real wealth, just a handful of life moments by which a lot of them were plagued with tragedy. Like a true g though he smiled, made light of the situation but on the inside he was protecting everyone from his sadness, much like I’ve done. The level of guilt I felt and still feel continues to be something that saddens me daily, I can’t even escape it at night as he resides in my dreams now.
Three weeks prior to his death I was in the emergency room twice once for fainting on the subway platform and than the next week falling in a tub and fracturing my elbow.Truth is I was scared to death that it my time was coming to an end. I felt like 2017 felt like one big ball of bad luck, I moved a handful of times, my grandfather died, I started the process to file for bankruptcy, and gave up my beloved dog Zachary.
Truth is prior to my brother dying I entertained taking my life the same way he took his. Life had become more than I could bare or so I thought. After my brothers death I had to decide once and for all whether I wanted to live or die. For 2 months I didn’t work not being able to physically get on a train without a panic attack, or full on crying spell taking place. I talked to God I asked for answers about why, instead I was given purpose again. That purpose came in the form of teaching Visual Arts to middle school kids, it wasn’t a plan (maybe not mine) but certainly came at a time where I had nothing else to lose. In my brothers absence I given the chance to save him, by enriching and help mold the lives of over 150 kids daily, the best part is I get to do it through my love of color.
Truth is I suffer from depression and anxiety I have done so for quite sometime but have always been able to manage it with my religion and faith in God. Let’s just say shit hit the fan and I stepped away from the building, thinking some how I could manage it on my own. As you have just read obviously I didn’t do so well. Fear not this blog is a resurrection of sorts, a rebirth that allows you a window into my world that is often seen as a smiling and prosperous one, but truth is a smile is an easy mask for pain to wear without signaling an alarm. My purpose has it’s levels the other one is to share my story, the journey, expose my flaws, my wounds as I heal and manifest into this next level Merli the woman I always wanted to be but almost didn’t see. Welcome back to Lashes and Curves it’s going to be one heck of a ride.